Gaz

My first Brother GAZ aka Gareth Hodson

My Brother was born a few years after I was born, he was my half brother but I hate it when people say that because it makes it sound that he was less of a brother. He didn't look much like me at all when he was little because he was chunky with ginger hair. He seemed at first to be some kind of little alien who irritated me to the limits and beyond bless him. He had some habits that were very unusual but interesting also.

The first experiences I had of him were of a very energetic little kid whom used to sing a lot in his bedroom about all kind of things that he made up. There would always be those sounds from the distance that made no sense at all about really abstract thoughts almost like a bad poem. We both slept in different rooms but later on slept in the same room. We would play with all kind of toys together from HE MAN figures to action man and the A team stuff. I remember he would always get the good guys while I wanted the bad guys for example he had the HE MAN figure while I had Skeletor which was the arch enemy a skeleton character. We used to have this small black and white portable television in our bedroom that we would watch things like Magnum that I was never really interested in really but liked the sound of magnums boring flat voice that would sooth me and I used to the love the humming of the television and the crackling of the channels due to poor reception. I also remember watching the series of V which was horrorfying. We both used to act out different things as well with game play which my brother always used to be great at, he used to like to be the rich kind of man who drove cars and had lots of women while I just wanted to be monsters and things.

When I got to about 6 we both got the chance to play out behind our friends house in a small area of garages which were really good. I mentioned earlier about that's where we learnt to ride our bikes and would play with our friends. We used to venture behind the garages where were some trees and remember climbing up them. I fell once but seemed to survived the fall that seemed to never end its was weird. We used to get more and more confident and every so often would walk further away to local parks and into dark woods that made my imagination open up to all kinds of strange things. I remember someone telling me that tramps lived in the woods and I would see all the junk and think it was the where the tramps lived which scared me as I believed that they were dangerous wild men. There was also a dog which I don't know if it was a stray dog but it would on occasions find its way around to the garages and street and I used to think it was evil and once dreamt its eyes glowed red. The dog was a black tatty dog which obviously used to be allowed to do what it wished which I feel bad about as I loved animals and often worried about them.

At some point me and my brother clashed in strange ways, It was as if I had a switch inside of me that would turn on and off. ON would mean aware and in control and OFF was strike out into a violent attack of uncontrolled anger and pain. The first time I can remember lashing out at my brother was a great deep story of young delusional love and betrayal. There was a girl called Caroline I think who lived down the street, she was a few years older than myself about 9 I think and she looked nice. She seemed to enter my life on the street somewhere and somehow took control of me and made me feel special. I must have spent some time around her as when me and family would go out I would just feel this magnetic force of imagination visualizing her to distraction and wanted to play with her and to smell her mums cheap perfume that she would wear. Then my brother got introduced to her and we entered her house one day and met her brother who was about 11. We all walked around her house playing while her mother was out and about. I was told to go into the toilet by her brother while my brother stayed in the kitchen with the them and I willingly went into the toilet which was strange and I wondered what was going on. Eventually I stepped out of the toilet to find that Caroline if that was her name was kissing my brother which was well bizarre and a flash of rage came into my head and took over my body. I ran over to my brother and striked out a punch at him which was really strange and I got dragged back away from him. I got home some how and it kind of just dissolved into the past I did not see the gal again and was always scarred by the betrayal of her. I never really blamed my brother and my love for him was for always.

Gareth developed much quicker than me in life, and obviously knew of the social skills and cues that made him a liked person with many friends. I was more interested in being inside the house relaxing and watching the television. My bro also used to like music that to me seemed cheesy in a way and Ive never been any good with cheese, He loved wham which he played all the time while I was more into the Jackson 5 and the Thriller album. I also loved the beach boys back then as well. Gareth always seemed to know what life was about while I was stuck in some kind of day dream life which seemed such a distance. Gareth developed a lot in time and I will go into that later on in the time line of my writings.