Monday, 31 January 2011

My Biological Father 7 years to about 30

Introductions to Patrick Jackson

I was asked the other day why I had not wrote about my actual Biological Father so here goes. 

I was walking through Aspley when I was about 7 years old when a car drove past and stopped. This attractive women pulled up with lovely long hair and a nice pleasant face. She was talking to my mum about various things nothing I took much notice of as my head would have been somewhere in the clouds as usual. I'm not sure if it was that very day or a few day's afterwards that the women who turned out to be my auntie Rose and arranged it for me to go and pay a visit to my B dad. I still didn't really know who this person was but I felt both excited and worried about this mystery journey to meet someone I couldn't understand who. Anyway after a short drive I arrived in some urban area of Radford I think or one of those area's of Nottingham. I was taken into this Indian store which had one of those lovely sweet smells with a hint of curry and other smells,  it depended on where in the shop I would stand. I remember having to wait in the shop for some reason it felt strange. 

After a few strange minutes some handsome fella stood looking at me and Rose my auntie and he started speaking to her and then looked down at me in a strange way and then asked who I was. Patrick Jackson was his name and he was of average height. He had dark hair was in good shape I remember he had deep set eyes slightly looking like paul mccartney and the fonz from out of Happy days. Rose said quite directly to him that I was Richard, I think she delighted in telling him in bits so he had to ask again Richard who ?. She then replied your son Pat and a look of panic and confusion seemed to show on his face. It must of been a shock to have his son appear out of nowhere after many years of turning his back to a child he had produced in life. I think he had to go somewhere with rose after having heard this and he seemed to struggle with it. I just remember trying to connect with the shop after being left again to amuse myself and I enjoyed looking at all of the different things that were on sale in the shop. I think the shop keeper Sing was his name had some video's to rent out and I mite have spent time looking at them or various news papers. Patrick then appeared and I think after time he accepted me into his life and he was living above the shop in some small little room. I enjoyed getting to know my father he was an interesting character who seemed very young mentally but also street wise as he would seem to wander about in life and who he was and what he did always seemed to be a mystery. He had a spectrum in his little room which seemed set up like a bed sit. I used to love playing on it at his place from games such as Jet Set Willy and Everyones a Wally. I would visit him every so often not sure how often but maybe once a fortnight to spend time getting to know him. I think at night times though he would go off to various places and I would imagine  it would be him going out to different pups and socializing but all of that was a haze. He alway felt this need to take me to different places to entertain me and I loved the cinema. He would often take me to the cinema to see various films and once I watched Star wars return of the jedi which was good for those days. So weekends were basically about me spending some time with this man who I could never really understand and I always felt anxious about knowing him it was hard to identify with him.  I then got introduced to other memebers of the Jackson family

1) Joe Jackson 

My cousin a mixed race lad the son of Rose, he was a mint lad I always would get on with him. He was very funny and a little more street wise than me. He was lucky I felt because he seemed to grasp life more than myself and being of two races made easier for him to identify with people of other colours etc. I always seemed afraid of black people but not Joe he was so easy to identify with. If I recall he had a imagination and pretending to be various things were easy for him. We would wander around Radford not far from the shop though and act out various thing or sit on a park and have fun on the different things. I sometimes would visit Joe and stay over at his place. He really liked computers same as me. 

2) Jayne/Jane Jackson 

My lovely mixed race auntie Jayne half english and half Indian. She was sings daughter I believe the shop keeper. She was attractive to men I think and she was really confident. I always found myself slightly intimidated by her but not through her looks or anything just her confidence and attitude.

3) Martin Jackson

I didn't see much of Martin but the times I did were pleasant he seemed more approachable than my dad. He was a big fella with a softness about him and who seemed to be more young and with a thirst to live and had more of a character like myself. He was deffo more someone I seemed to connect with. I think he was also good looking but sadly I can't remember how he looked much today. 

4) Doreen Jackson ( Nanna Wooden Top)

Doreen was my other Nanna my dads mum. She was a very interesting women who seemed very real and worldly wise yet also very spiritual and would often try and talk to me about my near death experiences which I would talk about to her or try to. It was hard then to express my experiences they were mainly like day dreams at the time. She had an interest in the supernatural, mediumship and other occult things I feel. I regret not really having much to do with her she was such a wise beautiful soul and I went to visit her a few years ago to try and resolve a few things and well just visit her she is ageing now and I feel a sense of sadness about not having known the Jackson family more.

5) Mick Jackson, Marie and others

Mic is a bit of an unknown to me I think I met him quite a few times. Marie was apparently an amazing looking women. All of the jackson's had good looks by the sounds of it but not much more I can about them really. 

6) Rose Jackson 

I really liked Rose and in a way I had a bit of a crush on her she was a very beautiful women. They always say that we find people in our family attractive and she was the one lady I liked to look at. She did have quite a stern appearance but lovely eyes and long dark hair. It was never a naughty sort of crush I just liked her feminine appearance. I would often notice women that looked like her they were my type. That was a long time ago though lol but she did play a big part in my life. She was slightly wild and untamed from memory always seeming to be seeking the ideal man in her life. She never really seemed to be able to understand me and the last time I ever really met her I remember her attacking me about something to do with me getting between Joe and a local friend of his after a day's water fighting session.

The Jacksons

The Jacksons were interesting folk all very streetwise people. I have often been told various things about who they were and all seemed to be very eager to get the most out of life. It is sad that I was never really a part of them but that is life and I am quite a private reclusive person but not really through choice just the way I have been brought up myself. I have always held myself back and I feel for someone like myself its a safer option. I hope all of the best to all of them and hope they see me as family. 

Patrick continued  

When I got a bit older I would go and stay at Doreen's due to Patrick living there. He was a always wanting to go out at the nights at the weekends so I was left with Doreen and I got to know her more. We would sit and watch television which was  nice and she would cook me something to eat. In the mornings my dad would appear and suggest taking me into Nottingham town centre to the cinema. I would often look in the news paper to see what films were appearing at the Odeon hoping that a film was ok to watch. When I look back I now remember witnessing things that made me slightly identify with him as he would often get told off by aunties because of his absent mindedness and cumbersome difficulties. In a slightly funny way I remember my aunts telling him off when he was mowing the lawn once and he would miss certain bits I felt a bit sorry for him which was strange because I believed him to be this dark mysterious guy untouchable but alas he was nothing compared to the might of my aunts lol. 

The Meadows

He went to live at a flat in the meadows area of Nottingham. It was a nice little flat which going bk now many years had a hi-fi, his spectrum, dining table, coffee table, sky channels and stuff that blokes would have really, I distinctly remember a large whiskey bottle that he used to store coppers. He would listen to David Bowie mostly and loved the film Labyrinth. He had lots of Beatles music as well and would often compare himself to the John Lennon in a way I think he needed to identify himself with celebrities in order to feel confident. He also introduced me to Kate Bush which I liked she was a very attractive lady and her voice was magical and enchanting. I think around this time he did a few things that I found interesting about him. Firstly he took me to some of work places the first one was a factory near the Nottingham Railway station which had the usual topless calenders which I have always detested although enjoyed looking at for some strange reason lol. I think my dad was the one they would take the piss out of at work and I remember feeling angry about this, Because of him being slightly Irish and having the name Patrick they would really elevate it and I personally am not the sort of person to have been able to take that. The second place was with some large credit place or something to do with postal services, Experian I think was the company which he seemed to like working for and he had a strong need for the working routine. He deffo was a man of habit and enslaved by his work and desire for a drink at the weekends. A lifestyle I admired and could only wish for but alas my fears of that existence now grow stronger. Patrick would often leave me alone at his new flat and for many youngsters that would have been great but I was very imaginative and open to fears of the unknown. I remember having to hide behind his bed seti because I thought a ghost would appear from around the corner in the kitchen. I would often wait up for him to get back home and when he did he would become really strange and would often try and open up which he had real problems doing.  The things he would talk about were very deep and thought provoking and he would try and tell me things to open my mind and I did really understand but I couldn't respond how he wanted me to. He once took me to the working men's club that he would go to and he once told me about some women he fancied and how much he wanted to get into her knickers which I found baffling lol why would going inside someone's knickers be of interest although I had an inclination that it meant something more. I remember dancing that night on the dance floor manly on my own which is something I just seemed to be able to do, music as always seemed to control me and as always put me in a sense of drunkenness, I literally get high listening to music. I have always been a confident mover and wanted to dance to help my dad get recognition and I knew it would for me also. Some dogey guy wanted me to start going to some raves because of my dancing but I decided and I remember him asking Pat if I could go to them, I knew what the rave scene was all about and later that night told my dad that it was not a good idea especially for someone my age etc. Has time went by and the more confident I got with Pat I started being able to react to him and I don't think he could handle that. 

He met this women I think her name was Marilyn was her name from Southwell and she was a very strange women. I remember once having had the chance to see her naked lol and she had a nice body but her face was not at all attractive but she did seem confident. I was in her car once and she touched my leg joking about me liking it and yeah in a way I did not sure why but I was probably awakening to my sexual desires. She had 3 daughters whom I liked and I had a fondness for one of them especially. There were around my age and we all went camping once in some area near Newark I think Farnborough which had this pub and camping area. I went swimming in this pool near the camping as we were all able to wander off and do anything we wished and I think Pat thought it was okay for me just do as I pleased lol luckily nothing bad happened apart from me at one point getting lost and running endlessly around the water pits trying to find my back to the camp. I remember him having a go at me for being late grrrr stupid man I felt. He would often get upset about the things I did and I once cheated on a game of monopoly and this really wound him up lol I've always liked finding way's to exploit a games loop holes but for him it was a really bad crime. I did understand where he was coming from though. Over time and after I got my girl friend Sarah pregnant of which I went to tell him I don't think he could handle it and I would often try and visit him but I don't think he could handle it. It confused me and I was so pleased to become a father but I think he worried so much about it or maybe even envied me who knows. I saw him a few years ago and he seemed very pleased to see me and remarked on my looks etc and what a decent guy I was. He seemed scared and I'm sure he said he thought I was going to hit him because of things but I'm not that kind of person well if I can help it. 

The Latest contact

The last I heard  of Patrick he phoned me up asking me about my life and telling me his thoughts on work and other things. He said some really nice things to me which I did find hard to deal with and wondered why I didn't call him Dad but I am a dad and I feel I am the father he wasn't. Being a father to me gives me a father I see the perfect dad in who I am but I don't hate my own for what had happened in life I pity him and think that he just wasn't rite to be a father. I like being a father although it does scare me at times and even not being in work I make sure I have my kids with very little to offer them. I do think Patrick possibly has Aspergers the same as me and as always needed to drink to be able to fit in in life so and I feel hes always struggled to connect with women although he as a women in his life who accepts him through some dark things. I hope him the best and I may one day see him again, I would never be nasty to him and resent his absence in fact I'm glad for it as my mother as made me a guy who as so much respect for women and I have learnt how to grow as a person on my own.