5 to 7 years School

School aged around 5 to 7

The school was called Roslin Infants school and was located about a mile away from where we lived. It had a large playground with two areas of play. Being at school back then was a really strange time in my life. When I look back I was never really consious of my surroundings and I always felt oddly a voyeur of information that seemed ultimetly confusing. I remember hearing and seeing lots of things and just didn't feel a part of any of it. Most of the kids seemed to have a kind of thirst for a set progression like they just knew how to connect with other without a problem. At times when I did communicate it was always as if I had said the wrong thing. But yeah I managed how I don't know.

There was a time when I came across the playground bully which was quite odd and very threatening and I kind of instinctly knew that there was a presence of danger. This bully would seem to enter my area with a kind of plan and I was not aware of any such threat. His behaviour was mostly threatening and I realised he would hang around the areas that I would to keep out of the way from the large groups of kids. One day I kind of reacted to the bully and built up some strange kind of angery energy and imagined myself to be now strong and I stood up against the bully which shocked him. He kind of ran away from me and the was the last I ever saw of him apart from watching him attacking other kids. The strangest thing was I kind of had some pity for him because it was obvious visually to me that he was from a poverish family. Saying that I was never well off as a child but I got plenty of love and care and always knew food would be around.

Sports would really frighten me because it was hard to understand what it meant. I could see it gave most of the kids around me some kind of joy and they would delight in expressing how supearer they were in winning. I picked up on that and belived that by trying to push myself to the level of others I would be just as powerful as them but I never accomplished any kind of win. I guess thats why I have never been into gaining aheivements and medals which makes me sad so I create my own art medals now days to reward myself.

I used to get into trouble for little things that really used to freak me out. I also used to like to gaze at art in the corridors, and mathimatical diagrams which scared me but I would seem to travel into the structure of the math as if the lines would come out and exist rather than being just 2d. There was a teacher that really didn't like me much at all and she once looked at a picture I had done of an ancient man, the one with the large penis thats on the side of a hill. I used to spend hours looking at books of how the ancient civilazations lived and used to draw them. She took the picture away from me with confusion and I think maybe she thought I was being abused somehow as to have drawn such a out of the box image.

The classrooms were amazing places but to me felt like cubes full of kids being made to absorb basic and non-practical excercise's apart from connecting coloured cubes and lego together. I never got the chance to experience the things I wanted to as the other kids had more of a communication and will power to get what they wanted and one of those things was playing with the sand and water, I especially loved the water tubs full of funnels, tubes etc. But I was kind of shut away from the fun things and pressured to learn words etc that to me was just a load of black and white shapes and squggles.

There was something else I observed in the classroom and that was cleaning up time which was really odd. All of a sudden kids would walk around from here to there putting things back in place which I had no idea of the logic behind it. I noticed some lads would delight in actually making a mess at this time so I followed that because It seemed rebelious in crazy kind of way.

The kissing experience's were really strange and I was rather starttled by the gals in the kitchen play area. I still remember entering this den in the class room where upon getting comfortable gals would practice snogging and kissing which I didn't understand and it kinda freaked me out, mainly because it was a wet sloppy physical experience which scared me. As much as I have learnt to love kissing I have really kind of feared physical connection with gals/women for most of my life.