My full Autobiography

Please look at links to read up chopped up bits of this huge page

An introduction to myself and this autobiography


Well far far away in a distant galaxy lived..... Not really its not that special. Its just me Richard Jackson. I am writing this autobiography for myself really, I have no urge to get it published into a book and am using blogger to make it available to all. The reason I am doing this is because of a few issues I have in my life.

The 1st is that I have always felt unseen by the world and have had to live with my thoughts locked up inside me, In fact I hold my life in my head so vividly that its hard at this stage in my life to keep it locked up.

The 2nd is that I have very low confidence and I am hoping that if anyone reads this they will realise perhaps why I am the way I am.

3rd is that I was recently assessed for having Asbergers syndrome and I had to answer some questions which compelled me to go into my life in more depth. Ever since of having being diagnosed with having Asbergers its made things fit together and helped me realise why I had so many failings and misfortunes. Asbergers as always been there and I have always wondered why life seemed such a struggle for me. I have achieved very little in my life, I have never had many friends, I always used to slip through the job search market, I had no interest in social development in regards to being ambitious and much much more.

For anyone who finds this autobiography to be some ramblings of a crazy person then so be it but I have found I like who I am. I have a great level of hidden skills and knowledge which while not to be found through any educational certification are quite present in myself. I am also a free thinking individual which may cause some of you to not grasp or enjoy the writings of my life because I believe you will never find tales of anything superficial or that distracts you from this modern programed society that I feel is becoming more and more deluded by material through the strength of the television and news media.

Me Art and its politics

Imagine for just one minute that your an artist and all you see around you are commerical products that are supposed to be works of art. Modern day culture as developed a word called contemporary art so we all believe we are in a new era of artistic merit and achievement. Most of you who have been into art education like myself have been told a huge pack of lies and I say that with all my heart.

The world of politics as programmed most of you into accepting anything worth anything must have some kind of capital value and while all of you are chasing the capital dream to gain power I sit back and relish in peace and proud in knowing that my own art is the truth of art. Why do I say that and what makes me so special, well I will give you one good reason for now. When we are kids in this life we are all seeing and the strength of purity allows us to create without any purpose than to achieve and express something new and different. Our true human instincts enjoy creating things without any influence or pressures of having to sell what the magic of our minds just want to do. So I am also a free person without having to think through conceptual methods of developing art to sell myself I just look into my mind and see things that rip into the real routes of creative thinking. I feel I am on an esoteric journey and a very spiritual one that gives me the treasures of visual treats I can say I created myself and I want you all to read how I got to where I am today.

How I cast away education that dums down spiritual development. How I hid away from the capital hardships of having to conform to the rituals of the modern programed slave race. And also how I had to let people feel supear to me in order to function in a system of relaxation for which my body needs.

I want to thank America for twisting what was once unconditional love into a world that now has such dis function and a new Babylon in which money darkens the world from magic, love, truth, friendship, innocence and much more.

So read on for a voyage on my life and why I feel the way I do towards art, politics, society, history, magic and esoteric spiritualism, mythology, theology, philosophy and much much more. Read about my battles internally and externally and how I developed and opened my eyes with a mind so open to many of life's trails. Much will be plain in my life and this may not be of any interest to the people of today, that's up to you.

So lets start at the very beginning

So where did my life begin I'm asking myself and I'm looking as far back as I possibly can. Now what I am about to present is something else that's always been a kind of animated memory. Either I have conjured up from the depths of my imagination or some kind of deep embedded memory. Plus it could be a visual insight into how possibly the soul operates within the brain and I hold my hand up and can say I am only presenting what I see from within.

I have also believed though that we do not begin to exist at birth and come from other existence's even if they are past life's on this planet we call earth or my preferred theory is that of the travel from planet to planet through the light of the sun and stars.

The diagram below is only a visual theory and internal memory or imaginary illusion.
Please see the diagram below


Now A would be the tubes structure from a position of like say a moving vehicle and in a direction of going down a road or better still sliding down a tunnel at the local swimming baths. This is a layer or stage in the transition between either a past life or alternative dimension or distant planet. If so at this stage it could either be a stage of motion from one place to another or even the expansion of knowledge like say the tree of knowledge. I say this because from mental observation the object that I see as myself was trying to seek a dimension. Although the diagram is in black and white the tunnels are made up of lights, shapes, formations, patterns almost as if traveling through some amazing light show. Now either that was motion and travel or possibly the expansion into the tree of knowledge. So while lets say in the womb we are starting to develop and learn the fundamental basics of light our innocent and pure souls are entering a dimensional learning sequence.

B is the strange part because it seems that I remember having to make decisions on which tunnels to take but it was some kind of magnetic force that gave seemed to direct me and almost pull me towards the powers of this existence but like I say this could be all just my imagination. I do feel how ever that the force was of complexity beyond anything our souls repel but the rush was of extreme euphoric motion with a magnetic energy that felt more powerful than anything.

C is the soul which I like to think of as a capsule but it could be spherical in shape. From my perspectives though it would seem as if I was at the front of a kind of craft or as crazy as this sounds but even similar to that of the male sperm itself in which case I guess the soul needs two souls to complete and fuse together to unite. I believe that the soul needs to have the willingness to live and to strive for existence as not to perish into lower levels or become simply nothing and fade in a state of oblivion but they are just again possibilities I am questioning within all of this stage in transition. The soul does continue to exist and probably falls into the bowls of earths energy's on escape from the physical body in death in which the force could either give directions to greater levels of light and allow ones soul to travel to the elevation of light or down towards the earths destruction properties.

So that's just one thing I think at this time and needed to reveal from my mind. Could what I see just be a in depth imagination of how the idea of a soul or is it actually what we are doing all the time and that is whizzing around a brain of tunnels of light that we are processing into what we see around us externally again I am not sure.

So that's just one particular area of my life I wanted to express and maybe irrelevant in relation to the events of my life or lets say pre-life.

Now I will talk of my experiences and the usual formal information like where I was born etc. I will also go into my experience's of my youngest years and especially with being a poorly child that suffered from fallots and my NDE near death experience's.

The Near Death Experience/s

A Partical connection with life, the outer body experience period was strangely confusing and disorientating because it mainly consisted of non gravitational travel through the surrounding area and I remember feeling numb yet highly powerful and secure and it was if my soul couldn't seem to let go of life. My mind wouldn't move through walls or objects either as if I was still confounded to the mental dimensions of reality or simply that the entity that I was couldn't accomplish this being semi alive.

The rays of sunlight seemed to be thick and it was as if the rays themselves were also a kind of mass. I also had the ability to rotate as if like a spaceman and observed the hospital environment from some fascinating perspectives.

B) Soul elevation, This stage came either before or after the next stage I am unsure. Anyway this is a stage of great transition in the state of death or after death. I think this is because you loose all physical sensory desires and its as if you become an observer of the planet and see how it operates. New and unusual colours now appear from the Sky's as if like gold shines of gas and the orbital soul now soaks in a kind of wisdom unlike that of any earthly wisdom what so ever. Its as if you begin to see with new eyes and that you change into a being of great strength and power with a freedom never known. Music also comes into the air as if its being provided from a source above to help relax the soul. The music is very complex and seems to change as if its altering its self to connect with ones own desires with new layers of enchanting melody forming like an orchestra of sublime magical euphoric levels. This music I would say is more like a pulse of energy or some kind of natural rythms that are produced by unknown energy's and it is as if the music can connect with the soul.


1) This is the orbital soul, while you no longer have the sensors of the body you feel a non physical warmth and added level of visual capacity and wider perspective of the visual information around.


2) This is the earth below looking astonishing and glorious with an added visual sense you see such in depth focus on the mechanisms of organic and non organic life and particle/atomic structures.


3) is the sun which holds such power and energy. The sun is the souls focal point and its as if your suspended on a high level ocean of energy awaiting and becoming the substance of everything.


C I think after this point you enter earth again but reach into the core of matter itself and into the tubes until you find the tunnel of transition to an even greater level. You now find yourself alongside other entity's that are moving towards an compelling light and energy. This tunnel seems to be either a kind of futuristic gateway or some kind of alternative pathway towards a new dimension. I believe that it exists and links with the sun or within the fabric of inner space or particle at a tiny scale.


1) One of many orbital souls moving like an air craft through the tunnel of light.


D This as to be the most surreal experience and while it seems to be connected with the concepts of religious belief systems I feel personally as if the experience was unique in the fact that it was less condemning of that of religious teachings and there was a pure empathy that any form of judgement was analyzed with a full focus on the details and pressures of thus existence. Well OK my naked orbital entity or soul was fully focused on an entity of what seemed pure of knowledge, wisdom and understanding. An entity of everything that had consciously been experienced from this realm of life as if the core power behind all. The entity presented itself as human in form and that it was a vision of male and female with the splendor of compassion and with an beyond insane essence surrounded by a golden mist with sparkles and other magical looking gases and particles. There were two other entity's at each side of the most powerful entity but they seemed like guardians of the center entity which would entice and provoke reaction from my soul whilst providing the central entity with two other levels of understanding and giving a extra view point. You are naked to these beings and your mind is unprotected from the body's shell. You can not hide away but your soul as no fear of revealing itself and at this time you have no choice but to reveal your life's mistakes. I was only around 3 years of age or younger while experiencing these things meaning my soul was innocent and had not be tested so I guess they sent me back to life to find out what I could produce and learn.

I'm not sure about this but they also came to the point where they wanted me to be given strengths and powers to help me get through being physically inferior to the majority of the human race but only if I would make use of them for the purpose of expressing not only that of good but addressing without ignorance the darkness that was to be observed. This period could have been the end of all experience's and the order of all experiences seemed out of chronological order due to confusions of moving through free and timeless space.

E1 The pleasure of soul recreations. Imagine if you can a kind of resort of heavenly pleasures. There are many dimensional plains within the higher kingdom. This one particular is a virtual paradise of roman enchantment. Water is very much a substance that energizers the souls glory and allows the souls to re in act erotic pleasures of love and to gaze upon the beauty of ones visual desires without the corruption of earths explicit sick impurities. I also believe that the male and female soul is still separated through how life intended. Some souls are however confused of which side they are and will find there true soul gender through cleansing experiences.

E2 This is just one corridor within the Utopian kingdom, a place that seems brightly lit with simple but functional objects to allow the human form to feel at peace. I say the human form because the soul as its virtual human form that can be changed to suit one owns creative pleasure allowing visual comfort towards others and self. I do believe that this place is on board some kind of space craft with many rooms and timeless amount of places to explore.

E3 This is an observation tower that are located on earth itself. The soul can enter this chamber to look down on loved ones and to try and heal and guide there loved ones as well. I feel that there are numerous towers in the spiritual plain here on earth and the soul can also descend to earth and watch through the eyes of birds. Each soul can possess the crow, eagle, wood pigeon and various others. People on this planet have to realise that the matter of this planet is as virtual as any other virtual plain yet it as the added feelings of pain, confusion which are bonus gifts in a strange way and in a way we should embrace this and respect it.


There are many more place's but these 3 stick out the most vivid in my mind. There may other realms and rooms within the kingdom and I do believe that there is one for spiritual growth which so happens to be a place connected with the last picture that is F

F is your very own room, that you can create your very own realm of limitless space. Full of places you need to identify your souls needs and to aid you. But this place is not available to every soul and even the kingdom is open to souls who can accept the purity of light the sun itself provides. Dark souls of materialistic value that can't disconnect from earths virtual delights will be sent to new areas and may have to re-live a new life until the wisdom of the soul reached and purified through the pains of earth.

The earth is at a bad time for all souls and I believe that the time is not to far away for a new cleansing yet through free will and kaos theory that could still be avoided. What I have said here is in no way some kind of preaching from me and I wish it not to be considered as the gospel. I have experienced things that could be just deluded visions from illness as a child and I wish to have no influence over mankind with my experiences. I am not of any particular religion and have often spoken to my inner voice over these experiences. I believe that I am indeed connected still to the esoteric plain and can speak directly to the higher power but I am not in anyway saying I am all knowing and can still make mistakes myself and be at times materialistic.

The wisdoms

I would also like to express my beliefs that have controlled my life since those experience's and what I feel about life and what a person may do to achieve a deeper and more fulfilling life.

1) The biggest thing is to be aware of free will which is the greatest power we have been given here on earth. By not respecting the consequences of our actions we fail to deliver positives not only in our lives but for those of us surrounding us and this in physical time willl destroy all of the earths beauty.

2) To regard the act of sexual practice a gift that should be practiced through love and not just to reach organic Ecstasy. The unification of two souls is very near that of heaven were by souls are able to connect through a even higher emotional connection. Humans today are only exploring sexuality and learning of it more freely yet to abuse this is an act of disregarding an others soul.

3) To help and to forgive through mercy is the greatest attribute mankind can possess yet power should be given to souls tortured through a souls evil ways to be free to punish and not through a Central legal system. Then the tortured soul will be given the chance to make its own mistake through free will and will account for there actions after death.

4) Innocence of life is that of true strength and for one to stay young in heart is far greater than for those who's curiosity's fall under the trickery of an others words or actions. The power of word should be that of ones own truthful mind and to deceive others through this power is an exploitation of power. To keep ones mind truthful may be easy to be deceived yet to lower ones self to a deceptive level is a step backwards.

5) Materialism is good and bad, The soul will always need stimulation and lack of it will cause lack of development through the world to allow mankind to survive much horror. Yet materialism to give people the ability to look down at an equal soul is ignorance and ignorance in this manner is valued as a low level event in life.

6) The world your life is on is to be respected yet subject to humans failings kaos is the unseen truth and number is the new language which is abstract and minimal. Order is not possible through number alone and more descriptive means of communication needs to be developed plus visual respect play a vital role in earths mental security. An ugly koatic planet will only build walls around free will and other pleasures.

7) Conditional love is wrong in the sense that humans feel they have the right to judge each others souls through that of inquiry and to not be able to see into ones soul through body language and other visual indications will lead to dark and unfilled relationships that are the cause of one soul thinking they can own an others through mental manipulation through language. I do not trust this formal approach in communication as it allows for exploitation of love and denies access to free thinking relationships.

8) You will never find your other half because its already in yourself anyway. And to try and find the ultimate being of power will further your strength to a higher level on earth. Your rewards will not be met with simple merit but with that of complex changes in your own outer existence and the smaller things that are taken for granted will become be a sign of an advanced knowledge.

9) Creativity is the greatest of free gifts and if that is ever taken away from mankind the walls will cripple this plain of existence. That time will come yet pockets and bombs of immunity to captivation will cause a ripple effect that will cause a chain of splendor and pain will amount to such a large degree. Do not forget that pain is the gift and god will supply the earth with plenty, as an example why does a slap around the face awaken ones senses.

10) do not attempt to analyze love or make it a concept as its a natural power and force that will never end on earth. To make love into a psychological conception will destroy its truth and again will mask it with words and artificalize its invisible nature.

11) never deny or turn away from the realms of darkness and the soul should learn its place to the side of evil. To think of ones self as good while looking away from poverty, evil, wrongs etc is ignorance but be careful evaluation is essential and to dabble with dark forces is the opposite thing to do as well. Evil and darkness in souls can be healed yet it can can also consumed by the helping soul so internal powers of observation should be identified and the inner voice is just one of those of things we should listen to at all times around negative and dark force's

12) We are all a part of god and god experiences all we do. We are really all gods children and all of those who try to play god will be rewarded as to wish to be of god is a splendid thing but only if you talk of the wisdom's of gods being and have experienced at first hand this power.

13) Animals have souls as well and are to be considered as equal on the planet, Each of gods animals are ready to succeed human failings if that happens. While god gave animals absence of voice he gave them gifts of flight, song and as already spoken of a channel or gateway from heaven itself as with birds that can be used to observe down upon earth. A soul can come back into that of an animal even after being of human. This could be a reward or a punishment depending on the actions from the previous life.

I could go on for much much longer with things I am guided by and will go into them at some later time and incorporate them into my life's experiences as this is not only an auto biography but a journal of personal thought as well.

My Life

My Grandad who was my role model in life

My Grandad as I called him was named Cedric Dixon a very powerful man who had learnt so much in his life and seemed very brave. He had very strong opinions on many topics ranging from engineering to science and art. He was a tool setter by trade and apparently a very skillful man with excellent inventive abilities that allowed him to create a faster methods in the production line. He spent some of his life also in the RAF after the war working on planes. Cedric used to talk allot about how he didn't like to participate in sports and would hide away from it. He tried to teach me that with any kind of sport it wasn't the winning that was important which I didn't really take in because I wanted to feel like everyone else and not a weak person yet I later discovered in life that there will always be someone better in anything which was another one of his words of wisdom and it really was so true. I remember on one occasion I asked him when would the world end and he said when we die. I asked him what was the most dangerous animal on this planet and he said us humans are. I was always asking those kind of questions to him. Through his life with me he shown me many things and tried to open my mind to lots of mental stimulating pursuits. He introduced me to snooker, fishing, music (organ), bowling, balsa air craft flying and my best of all of those was drawing. I would sit with him and request him to draw me all manner of things, I still remember his technique for drawing which seemed quite technical to the dynamics of mass and proportions which because was so tight seemed to really put him to the test. The greatest of memory's was that he would build me things and I had a fascination with rope slide things. So he created a slopped rope with some kind of design that worked in the garden. Gardening was another one of his and my past times and I would love to venture into the green house to sniff up the scents of the plants especially after it had be watered with the hose pipe. My grandad had smoked all through his life and this was something he had to voice about and would walk past teenage girls and would try and tell them not to smoke which was embarrassing for me but I really respected that he had the strength to speak up for what he believed. My Grandad died when I was aged 16 I think and it hit me very hard and sudden. It was the first death of a family member I had ever experienced and I would cry about that event as a child even before it was to happen. My grandad helped me to find my art and once shown me some brandy glasses of various colours that he had collected this was where my mind blew in just through the simple colour vast worlds exploded and my imagination needed nothing but to feast upon the pure sublime coloured glass. He also loved animals and even built is own Avery for different types of birds and at one point owned his own pet shop which served him well for a good few years. I may talk more about that later on. Ill find a picture and put one here sometime in the future of him.

Alexandra Street

The place where my grandparents lived was just some old terraced house with 3 bedrooms, a front and back living room, kitchen and toilet/bathroom which was brought for very little back years back. At the back was a nice garden which my grandparents would grow vegetables and flowers etc. The back garden was one of my special places and I would spend alot of time alone exploring it. I had a very dark obsession with ants though and would spend countless hours finding different methods on killing them and especially drowning them in small pots of water or my fave was to throw them into spiders webs and watch how amazing it was to see them become encased in the web that would spit from the spider. I will still do that to this day which i find a remarkable action in a very dramatic display of instinctual survival.

I used to watch many films at my grandparents house and would go out to re-in act various persons, hero's etc. I used to feel like a warrior on many occasions and would use wooden canes as weapons practicing many made up martial art skills often ending up with a good amount of splinters.

The Plot of Land

There was a factory opposite the house and it was huge. It had this great big chimney which seemed endless and then one great day it was demolished which was an amazing sight of destruction I had ever witnessed. I think it was spectacular seeing something so strong collapse like a stack of cards with debris and dust creating clouds of smoke. That empty plot of land where the factory had been became my new world which was left untouched after its flattening for a good long time and out grew much amazing things abandoned as if it was another planet for me to land on and discover a doorway to many worlds. In fact once I encounted a small group of men dressed up as soldiers doing some amateur filming on the plot which opened my eyes to war scape's so along came a war world for me to play in.

Films and play

I used to watch many films as a kid and would get the chance to go to the local video store to locate all kinds of films. I would irritate my grandparents because I would spend age's looking for that film that looked to be amazing. I remember once we had got a video player they would record the late night black and white horror films for me which were amazing. I can remember waking up in the morning with the thought of a horror film waiting to be watched down stairs. I loved the werewolf films mostly with Boris Karloff and others with Lon Chaney. My fave had to be Quatermass and the pit which was really interesting and incorporated sci-fi with demonic force's and the paranormal which added a great depth to the film. I really loved Hammer Horror films as well and I remember vampire circus being quite a raunchy film which as tame as it is now days was a real exciting treat to gaze upon the female form so early in life.

Drawing with pen and pencil

There was something I would always do to get me through times of boredom because I have always had a really the weak boredom threshold. I used to spend countless hours drawing things which went through a series of stages from scibbling to creating patterns of texture in the quickest way possible. I would draw monsters, dinosaurs, creatures, freaks, mutants, mythological creatures, ghosts and much more. I would always start with the face of the being first especially creating the eyes first. I never really knew what it was going to come out like and I believe that is how I first became to develop methods of creating things from scratch. I like to believe that it is more fascinating to me to just conjure up things from no where as if by magic. I feel that the imagination can never really pre concieve of an image until it is as been created in the reality of this physical dimension. Although I see things in my minds eye I can not ever replicate them procisily and I believe the physical world owes much in the creation of art as does the mind and body.

The Library

My Gran or nanna as I called her used to take me to the library and I didn't much care for story's but I would read factual information especially from picture books. The more illustrations in the book the better in fact I still prefer children's factual books now as they offer the visual knowledge I so much needed. I would read up on things such as water, pond life, space, ancient history, science, biology, and others but paranormal stuff especially and became obsessed with UFOs and would look out of my window at night to look for them.

The Haunted House

There was a house abandoned not far from my grandparents house which was surrounded by trees which I think was an old orchard. The building was very large and me and brother would often go into it to investigate if there were any ghosts present. That wasn't good enough though and we both got a portable stereo which we would record our voice's onto it, well scary sound effects that we took into the house and it really did have a great effect to allow our imaginations to play tricks with us. I would even go there alone mostly and wasn't scared for some strange reason. I didn't think it was haunted but what I did was to have serious repercussions on my mind as I used to have nightmares about voices in a house for years afterwards.

My Mother from when I was young

My mum was a very feminine lady and very very caring towards me. As a child she was everything to me and my brother. My mums name is Pauline which is a name she as never really liked so now she as kind of changed her name to Polly. She was born in 1957 at Alexandra Street Stapleford Nottingham so at the home my grandparents lived. She had quite a strictish routine with us as we would have to go to bed at around 7pm each night and in the summer which was very difficult. My mum was a very powerful figure in my life and wouldn't dare cross her as even to be looked at in a bad way would worry me greatly. Me and my brother would get the odd smacked leg if we behaved in a badly which we honoured.

Polly my mum had to suffer greatly through my illness watching a small blue baby literally on the edge of death everyday waiting for the operation to cure me. She said that people would look at her as if she was somehow neglecting me but it was my hearth condition that was the cause. I had fallots you see which starves the body of oxygen mainly because of 4 things wrong with the heart. She was told on many occasions that I was very near death on even while at hospital told I had died for short peaks as I had to be taken off life support on occasions due to the cleaning out of the machine. At that time in her life her faith was very strong.

My mums personality was very much of that of the domesticated hard working women, she was always cleaning up around the house and cooking for me and my brother. She would let us play out in the garden at first and take us for small outings to say walk around the local woods which was one of my fav pastimes. She never really liked herself much when she in her twenty's and had very low self esteme especially with how she looked and always even to this day about her weight. I still remember how she hated having her photograph taken. I always felt it difficult to understand my mum as a child but loved her very much.

The home

Well when I was a baby I lived in a block of flats in a rough part of Nottingham. My mum then got a place to live at Aspley in Nottinghamshire soon afterwards in one of the largest council estates you could live on. I have visited it not long ago and its hardly changed over the years even to this day. I often like to go back and revist places in my past as my mind likes doing that and it comforts me and can be quite an emotional experience as well. We used to watch Night rider in the house, there would be me, my brother and mum all watching the tele every thursday night at 7 which ment we could stay up that little bit more. We used to have some friends that lived accross the road, well a family. Richard was there dads name, then there was Jackie I think and her sons Mark and Michael plus a daughter named Karen I think. There used to be some garages and a little drive area which we would go to play in and ride our bikes. My brother learnt to ride his bike before me which really frustrated me but alas I taught myself through fear how to ride even through the anxiety of impending doom. I remember looking down at the floor and hoping not to fall down hard onto it which of course happened on the odd occasion. I spent many a time in the bedroom and remember sitting on the ledge sucking on the hard but soft council paint which was that very shiney white smelly stuff. I would look down on to the outside of the window and would watch the little red creatures for hours wondering what they were and wondering what there perspectives were of the world being so small. I would often just out of interest press down on one to see what had happened and I would notice aftwards a faint blood like stain on my finger. I was also amazed by spiders and would collect them out in the garden and put them into a jar. anther one of my crazy habits was spitting into the soil to see how the colour of my own liquid would change and become brown/grey in apperence. I found it to seem like magic almost like.

School aged around 5 to 7

The school was called Roslin Infants school and was located about a mile away from where we lived. It had a large playground with two areas of play. Being at school back then was a really strange time in my life. When I look back I was never really consious of my surroundings and I always felt oddly a voyeur of information that seemed ultimetly confusing. I remember hearing and seeing lots of things and just didn't feel a part of any of it. Most of the kids seemed to have a kind of thirst for a set progression like they just knew how to connect with other without a problem. At times when I did communicate it was always as if I had said the wrong thing. But yeah I managed how I don't know.

There was a time when I came across the playground bully which was quite odd and very threatening and I kind of instinctly knew that there was a presence of danger. This bully would seem to enter my area with a kind of plan and I was not aware of any such threat. His behaviour was mostly threatening and I realised he would hang around the areas that I would to keep out of the way from the large groups of kids. One day I kind of reacted to the bully and built up some strange kind of angery energy and imagined myself to be now strong and I stood up against the bully which shocked him. He kind of ran away from me and the was the last I ever saw of him apart from watching him attacking other kids. The strangest thing was I kind of had some pity for him because it was obvious visually to me that he was from a poverish family. Saying that I was never well off as a child but I got plenty of love and care and always knew food would be around.

Sports would really frighten me because it was hard to understand what it meant. I could see it gave most of the kids around me some kind of joy and they would delight in expressing how supearer they were in winning. I picked up on that and belived that by trying to push myself to the level of others I would be just as powerful as them but I never accomplished any kind of win. I guess thats why I have never been into gaining aheivements and medals which makes me sad so I create my own art medals now days to reward myself.

I used to get into trouble for little things that really used to freak me out. I also used to like to gaze at art in the corridors, and mathimatical diagrams which scared me but I would seem to travel into the structure of the math as if the lines would come out and exist rather than being just 2d. There was a teacher that really didn't like me much at all and she once looked at a picture I had done of an ancient man, the one with the large penis thats on the side of a hill. I used to spend hours looking at books of how the ancient civilazations lived and used to draw them. She took the picture away from me with confusion and I think maybe she thought I was being abused somehow as to have drawn such a out of the box image.

The classrooms were amazing places but to me felt like cubes full of kids being made to absorb basic and non-practical excercise's apart from connecting coloured cubes and lego together. I never got the chance to experience the things I wanted to as the other kids had more of a communication and will power to get what they wanted and one of those things was playing with the sand and water, I especially loved the water tubs full of funnels, tubes etc. But I was kind of shut away from the fun things and pressured to learn words etc that to me was just a load of black and white shapes and squggles.

There was something else I observed in the classroom and that was cleaning up time which was really odd. All of a sudden kids would walk around from here to there putting things back in place which I had no idea of the logic behind it. I noticed some lads would delight in actually making a mess at this time so I followed that because It seemed rebelious in crazy kind of way.

The kissing experience's were really strange and I was rather starttled by the gals in the kitchen play area. I still remember entering this den in the class room where upon getting comfortable gals would practice snogging and kissing which I didn't understand and it kinda freaked me out, mainly because it was a wet sloppy physical experience which scared me. As much as I have learnt to love kissing I have really kind of feared physical connection with gals/women for most of my life.

The holiday to Cyprus

This as to be one of my fav experiences ever and really the only time I have ever had the chance to leave the british soil. I was 7 at the time and things were getting more brighter for me in life. Well anyway my mum met some cypriot fella at a chip shop she worked at and he came to move in with us lot. His name was Theo Joannou and he was not a bad chap around then. It must have been hard for him looking back as I have done that myself recently.

Anyway after talk of this holiday we finally got taken to this airport and I remember sitting in this seat and at great speed feeling like I was heading to space, my ears were also popping like mad and I would look out of the window which was awesome. After what felt like many hours we landed at Larnica airport and when we left the plain I entered a whole knew world with beautiful colours and heat waves all around. We briskly walked through the landing area to the small airport that allowed us access into the land of Cyprus.
Apparently we spent weeks there but for how long I can not remember. I do remember some really nice visions of walking along the beach front at dawn hearing hissing and cricket sounds. Larnica was a really old kind of town and beautiful in its shopping area. The greatist thing was the sea and beach which was just a splender of golden hot sands and steaming warm waters which you could see to the bottom. I couldn't quite swim back then but me and my brother both had rubber rings that would float us around and we ventured out quite far it was amazing. I also remember the embarrisment of seeing topless women which kinda became boring after a while because I didn't like the look of boobs and that. It was especially scary when my own mother sat topless which was a new thing to see and I was kinda worried for her not to be seen. I loved all the gift shops and still remember to this day the monk things that were my first glance into the world of smut humour. You pressed its head down and a pink willy came popping out of its robe. I was not amused myself but kinda laughed with embarrisment and fear due to a thing I had at anxious times I would laugh very much. We visited Nicosia on one or a few occasions to find a chemist for my brother who had developed very large blisters on his body due to the intense heat and sun. I still remember the wall of horror which was were Cyprus was split and it was very much like you see in movies to do with arak ect.

My first Brother GAZ aka Gareth Hodson

My Brother was born a few years after I was born, he was my half brother but I hate it when people say that because it makes it sound that he was less of a brother. He didn't look much like me at all when he was little because he was chunky with ginger hair. He seemed at first to be some kind of little alien who irritated me to the limits and beyond bless him. He had some habits that were very unusual but interesting also.

The first experiences I had of him were of a very energetic little kid whom used to sing a lot in his bedroom about all kind of things that he made up. There would always be those sounds from the distance that made no sense at all about really abstract thoughts almost like a bad poem. We both slept in different rooms but later on slept in the same room. We would play with all kind of toys together from HE MAN figures to action man and the A team stuff. I remember he would always get the good guys while I wanted the bad guys for example he had the HE MAN figure while I had Skeletor which was the arch enemy a skeleton character. We used to have this small black and white portable television in our bedroom that we would watch things like Magnum that I was never really interested in really but liked the sound of magnums boring flat voice that would sooth me and I used to the love the humming of the television and the crackling of the channels due to poor reception. I also remember watching the series of V which was horrorfying. We both used to act out different things as well with game play which my brother always used to be great at, he used to like to be the rich kind of man who drove cars and had lots of women while I just wanted to be monsters and things.

When I got to about 6 we both got the chance to play out behind our friends house in a small area of garages which were really good. I mentioned earlier about that's where we learnt to ride our bikes and would play with our friends. We used to venture behind the garages where were some trees and remember climbing up them. I fell once but seemed to survived the fall that seemed to never end its was weird. We used to get more and more confident and every so often would walk further away to local parks and into dark woods that made my imagination open up to all kinds of strange things. I remember someone telling me that tramps lived in the woods and I would see all the junk and think it was the where the tramps lived which scared me as I believed that they were dangerous wild men. There was also a dog which I don't know if it was a stray dog but it would on occasions find its way around to the garages and street and I used to think it was evil and once dreamt its eyes glowed red. The dog was a black tatty dog which obviously used to be allowed to do what it wished which I feel bad about as I loved animals and often worried about them.

At some point me and my brother clashed in strange ways, It was as if I had a switch inside of me that would turn on and off. ON would mean aware and in control and OFF was strike out into a violent attack of uncontrolled anger and pain. The first time I can remember lashing out at my brother was a great deep story of young delusional love and betrayal. There was a girl called Caroline I think who lived down the street, she was a few years older than myself about 9 I think and she looked nice. She seemed to enter my life on the street somewhere and somehow took control of me and made me feel special. I must have spent some time around her as when me and family would go out I would just feel this magnetic force of imagination visualizing her to distraction and wanted to play with her and to smell her mums cheap perfume that she would wear. Then my brother got introduced to her and we entered her house one day and met her brother who was about 11. We all walked around her house playing while her mother was out and about. I was told to go into the toilet by her brother while my brother stayed in the kitchen with the them and I willingly went into the toilet which was strange and I wondered what was going on. Eventually I stepped out of the toilet to find that Caroline if that was her name was kissing my brother which was well bizarre and a flash of rage came into my head and took over my body. I ran over to my brother and striked out a punch at him which was really strange and I got dragged back away from him. I got home some how and it kind of just dissolved into the past I did not see the gal again and was always scarred by the betrayal of her. I never really blamed my brother and my love for him was for always.

Gareth developed much quicker than me in life, and obviously knew of the social skills and cues that made him a liked person with many friends. I was more interested in being inside the house relaxing and watching the television. My bro also used to like music that to me seemed cheesy in a way and Ive never been any good with cheese, He loved wham which he played all the time while I was more into the Jackson 5 and the Thriller album. I also loved the beach boys back then as well. Gareth always seemed to know what life was about while I was stuck in some kind of day dream life which seemed such a distance. Gareth developed a lot in time and I will go into that later on in the time line of my writings.

My strange habits and actions

When I was a young lad I did some things that were very odd, Firstly I would wipe my excrement on walls and stick paper onto it so as to create a brown glue and I was really inticed by the different shades that the excrement would make. It would also change colour from brown to black over a small time period. I used to sing a strange song called rgb that was three blind mice which I am often reminded of by my nanna. I would spend hours looking for films, or the rite film and could never make my mind up. I also used to suffer from many nightmares from my obession with the paranormal and I belive from the house I used to go into that must have left a trace on me. I also heard a cat crying once when it was fighting and it really freaked me out for years and I would hear that in my dreams in rooms. Over my life I will have re-occuring dreams that are so vivid that I will draw a map of them later and connect all of the roads etc that exist in my sleeping dream world. I still revist the dreams of my past that seem to haunt me to this day but change in unusual ways. At this age period in my life I was just an invisible enity as I still am to this day really and I must project a force feild around me.

Falling in love at a young age

Yes this happened to me alot well I may have been a bit older but I would marvel at gals beauty as I still do to this day, yet I reject the idea of being close to them as its always been an emotion I can not deal with. I feel trapped at a strange stage with a kind of mental block that cowers over a womens beauty to being very intimidated. I also keep women at a distance as the magical powers of there delightful eligence which this enchants me more than having conqured there brilliance. I belive many artists felt this same fear of womens sublime structure and I feel not worthy of being near a creation so magically beautiful. I aways loved gals from a young age though out my school life they were the biggest ever distraction that I secretly explored from a far which caused me great set backs in education but a worthy one which will always remain a mystery even to this day. I even remember a poorly gal at the hospital where I was as a young sick lad and while I was not attracted to her I felt a strong sense of wanting to love her through her special fragile illness.

Council Estates

Well I grew up on a council estate like I've already mentioned and for me they were like living in concentration camps and labyrinths of dark industrial architecture. At that time I was kind of semi conscious of the repetitive depths of the lives of the working class with the strait forward rituals of peoples routines. For anyone who as read the book fungus the bogey man that is the way I see council estates even today. Not that it was all doom and gloom though as the sun still would shine down on the estate and the ice cream van would makes its pied piper music that got all the estate flocking out to buy the usual ice cream with a flake in the top. For some reason I never really grasped how it all worked and even today I find the ways of man to be dire and dark. I feel that there is a system in place that conditions the working class within a chain of programs that cause's humans to conform to an existence that is of chambers and connections in order to serve the sensual and instinctual needs of power, domination and other instinctual needs. For some reason I have never shown any interest in such pursuits of growing up into such pockets of containment and into levels of hierarchy which is evident in the working class kingdoms.

Music was the greatest media in the 80s to show an influence on the people around me and the main stream of radio broadcasting was at an all high which would be something that erupted at the weekends when men would go out and wash there cars. Dis function was very apparent to me within council estates and repression was very high. Even to this day there is that dis function within the psychological culture of the council estate people in which many odd behaviours are often witnessed by myself which makes me very cautious of the people around me due to the fact that I find trust an issue. People on council estates are that repressed that they seem to want to connect with each other and not in any direct way but through competition, rumour, oberservation, rubber necking and many more subtile but infuration ways that make me cringe. It is in many ways as if each as each other pinned down and I am most often appaled to witness how humans delight in seeing others in the local community fall. What makes me laugh today though is how new estates that are more modern have been built that people feel are above the council estate yet this is a clever illusion mainly because of the way in which people live. There are small differences from the commuter village to the council estate and that is with the obvious with the cosmetic looks of the areas but there are similarities in how people behave and with there robotic rituals of an ever repitition of routine which I find imprisions and represses the lives of those who live in such a way. Through out my life I have witnessed that the whole diverse level off modern culture within the working class enviroments to be very synthetic in form and mundain due to the lack of creativity.

The most traumatic times in my childhood was in how I had to mix with people that seemed to show lifes of kaos and immaturity due to the disfunctions of behaviours. My mother used to have some friends who lived near to us. They were called Gary and Sue and I have very vague memory's about each of them apart from the bloke seeming very alpha male in a way of trying to show strength through having very little. Well anyway we got a call one night and we all had to journey out to find that Gary person in the car. I heard from my mother that he had slashed his wrists and we were going out to a certain place to go and look for him because Sue was worried. The experience was very koatic and disturbing to me because I could imagine awful things that hadn't actually happened and was very nervous as to going near this person whom seemed out of control. I don't know what actually happened afterwards but we got home and it was raw bloody night of panic and dispare hence why I find most alpha males to be slightly masking a frightening animal like mental state.

Moving ever onwards

Well this was time when things started to change and we moved to a new place. Theo my mothers BF the Greek Cypriot decided to take on a daring risk to start up a business venture. You see my mum met him while working in a chip shop which was the kind of stereotypical place to find a Greek man in England. Well after a while of working in one he decided to find somewhere to start up his own chip shop and with his first for money and power he did just that. He used his mothers house to put into the business which contributed to around 60 thousand pounds worth of business. Theo was around 10 years younger than my mother but I never really took that into account and didn't even see the age gap. So he must have been around 17/18 when he started it up. It was a booming business on Farnbourgh Road a lively road just on the outskirts of a huge estate in Clifton Nottinghamshire. I heard it was pulling in thousands a week on most occasions.

Well so being the person I am actually just went with the flow and thought brilliant a great fresh new start. It was an amazing property with living quarters above the chip shop and a great big playing area that was walled off to the side. It was really a nice place to live at first and we would get chips when we wanted but not to many and we could sneak down to grab cans of apple tango and coke when ever we wanted. I remember that in my bedroom I had created my very own base which was just some cupboard and I did a scene of some sky scrappers to put inside it. I would sit in it to get away from the overwhelming experiences of this new way of living and while traumatised by it all took it under much pressure.

The worst thing was changing schools and I got sent to a school not to far away called High bank which was actually a really nice looking school and I will bike there soon as I expect to get some haunting flashbacks of it all. The head teacher seemed to welcome us well and I slotted into the class with ease actually as I didn't really take much notice of the other kids, well I did but their actions were unreal and so I would just try and focus on the work. I remember once there was some really messed up gal who lost her temper once and started throwing things around in class and would get angry and all stressed. This action seemed to work in her favour as she was given much attention for them actions which I would not have dared do. I used to walk around into different spots of the school and remember getting into a few friendships with the freaky cool kids like myself. One lad used to draw graffeti and vampire fangs which inspired me.

I also made friends with a quite lad who lived not far from the chip shop and he was very quite but yet easy to relate with. I forget the lads name now and have often seen people who look like him but would never build up the courage to ask them especially after how long it had been since we parted.
Me and my brother would go on walks to some park not far from the school and play for age's. A girl once started chatting to me and taking an interest but I just kind of went along with things without giving much thought to her. She later found out that I lived at the chip shop near to hers and took over really. What I mean is she would come looking for me while I played football outside the shop and it worked she took advantage of my innocence. It wasn't anything out of the ordinary because she just used to try and snog me not kiss but snog which was really startling and bewildering physically. The wet mushy sensations of her soft lips grasping on to mine were unsettling and invading my comfort zone but I went along with it without really understanding it. I remember thinking why me and what is all this about and in the end I would avoid her at all costs and even attacked her verbally for it which I had know control over and I regret my actions for that but I guess I wasn't ready to understand the pleasures of kissing. She told me after some time that she had a boy friend and he could drive which was bizarre but she may have been a bit older than me about 12 I think she was. That did hurt me in a strange way but I couldn't figure out why I think it was my ego that hurt yet I was glad to see the back of her.

There were a few people around the area that were odd and would look up to us for living in and owning a chip shop and would use me and my brother to get free chips in return for false friendships. I remember on one occasion i was in the bath and heard shouting from outside so I got up to the window and it was the so called friends who then started to laugh because they could see my genitals for which I was unaware. I'm not sure how I felt about that but I do think I was embarrassed or shocked that it mattered to them for there amusement.
I used to listen to Michael Jackson stuff back then and ended up somehow having the whole lot of albums. Thriller and beat it were my major favs at that time. My youngest brother was born at Clifton and his name was Luke who I will speak about further on.
Then all the caos came along and messed it all up as my step farther Theo started mixing with a bad crowd and would go out to casino's trying to live the high life. My mother took it for so long but she got sick of his deceit and lack of living like a family which is what she liked. Now I can see it from two sides really I mean Theo was young and wanted to get out and live in the high road and my mum was a bit insecure around that period. Although my mum was a loving mum she demonstrated at times some very aggressive and mentally fragile performances that were very frightening. On one occasion she attacked Theo and got out a knife I think to threaten him and being my mums son we could only empathize with her and protected her. Theo deserved the threats but that was a little extreme to witness and Theo left for a time. I think thinks patched up but not for long. Some of the staff in shop noticed the fragile relationship they had and how fragile my mums mental state was so they used to say that Theo was seeing other women behind her back and things which might have been the truth as later who will find out. One night my mum had enough and we caught some bus's to my grandparents where we lived for a bit. That was the end of Clifton and I remember feeling much safer for me and mainly my mum. I think in the long run it was a safer route for me because I think Clifton was a scary place and it all seemed to much in the end. I learnt then that living in the high life was not something great and how friendships were not real if people would use you for what you had.
Just to mention a few strange occasions that happened while I lived there, firstly I got knocked out once by a lad on the park who hit me so hard in the jaw area that I fell to the ground which dazzled the life out of me. Once I was walking through the playground and a ball hit me on the head and I scored a goal from a very long distance which was a good thing. I made friends with a very butch lesbian women who was fond of my mum and she was like a big kid which was freaky. I used to drink that was called monster drink or something and was buzzing with e numbers but I loved the marketing value of it and its design. I think it was around 1986 because I remember something to do with football in mexico 86 I think. My friend the lad had a mum who would easily talk about how her house was haunted and she could see someone hanging from the ceiling on occasions at night which freaked me out loads. I had some kind of accident once and my mate came to hospital with me which was nice. and thats mainly the highlights of living at Clifton which had its ups and downs and I always never seemed concerned from losing friends which was a shame.

A new chapter arrives

Ok well this is it, things begin to change from this point on. I moved to a town called Stapleford in Nottinghamshire which was a well known council street known for being rough. I was around 10 years old when this changed occured.

The new home

The home needed lots of work doing to it as the previous occupents were apparently a very rough family who had completely vandalized it. The council had repaired all faults with the house but the garden was a real tip and it took my mum and step father months to get it back in shape and we found a multitude of things buried in the garden from motor bikes to nappies. The street was rather long which contained lots of freaky disfunctional folk like with most places. It was mixed though and there was a good balance between the old and young making the street a reasonable place to survive.

My school life

I started at a school called Stevensons junior school which was only a good few minutes walk from the house. The school itself was very typical of most and the atmosphere there was easy going. The first teacher I had was called Mr Maxwell who was the most anoying american fella one would encounter especially because of his musical enthusism and how he would sit down and play all old songs on his guitar, songs like love potion number 9 and some song I have heard from Elton John. I must say though it was exciting at first thinking I had some eccentric american teacher but this particular one was as cheesy as hell and I actually found out that he his now the head teacher of the school and he as infact made it like his own little musical world now with posters of guitars ect.

While at this school I didn't have a clue as to what to learn and my writing was apauling. I seemed to have no sense as to what school was for what it meant. When I look back it was as if I was just floating on a cloud of gas which was absent of purpose or meaning. I know one thing and that was that I would day dream mostly all of the time and glance at gals enchanted by there beauty. I went through obsessive phases about them in turn and while the other lads were running about like monkeys I was dreaming and imagining alternative places. I was locked in a different place and I could literally alter my surroundings for example I would imagine the playground that I was on was a platform elivated in the sky with an endless amount of things I could morph and create. I would on occasions talk to the other kids but the conversations about who had the most expensive brand of footware was such an ugly thought that would harris me especially not being so well off. Fights were something that happened on occasions and they just seemed to come out of nowhere and I do remember being quick tempered to get into a fight especially to try and look good in front of the opposite sex as if I was a stag yet I only did it to try and win an achknowledgment of the gals.

The second teacher I had while there was a very polished and refined person whom seemed to be seen as the well educated london bowler hat type. I liked him but also feared him for he was very good at disciplining the room. I did used to be extremely anxious about trying to do my best and behave well in his presence yet I felt that it stopped me from enjoying the learning process and I spent most of my time trying to conform to the rules and standards he presented us with. I remember trying to think about becoming better at spelling and reading but I always felt defeated by my lack of interest in those academic basic skills and how I learnt to later develop those skills I will never know.
It is still a mystery to this day because I do not think at all it was through the schools teachings that I learnt such basic skills but that of my own will to survive. I use the word survive because that was exactly how it felt for me and I felt very alien towards the ways of the world around me with the skills needed to function and communicate. I did enjoy how the teacher introduced us to the artist known as beryal cook whom I found to be interesting in how she illustrated large people and how colourful her work was

There was an occasion that I can remember quite vividly and it was not a nice event and I can not laugh about it even now. I still ponder over it today and it made me feel worthless to the very depths of my soul sadley and I may be being oversensitive I know. I remember getting called an egg head on many occasions and it seemed to be aimed at my physical apparence and not due to the fact that would be seen as clever as I was certainly not very knowledable. I used to wonder about that because I felt that most humans had egg oval shaped heads. I guess my head was very defined and a really good oval shape. One day in the playground a small group of kids decided to yell out egg head at me possibly because I was not liked by them even though I was hanging around in there space. Sadley others in the area decided to join in until the whole playground joined in on the abuse and even the dinner ladies and playground supervisors were smirking and laughing about what was happening. I felt like I was in hell when that happened and I felt very unloved and not at all liked by people. I didn't see anything wrong with myself and thought of humans as dark evil beings and I even would doubt humanity and the behaviour of the human species as a whole hoping that my mother would not have joined in on the act. Afterwards I believed that the whole event was justified and that I must be some kind of freaky bastard and an abomination to people in general. This stayed with me through most of my life and I still see it vividly like with most things in my past.

Again I was very alone at this time in my life and I actually resented others around realizing that I prefered my own company. This did confuse and frighten others around me I can now tell that.

The school trip 1 Waymouth

I was always a home bird and the idea of going on a trip away from the comfort of my family was a very frightening idea yet I loved the idea of adventure and traveling. Anyway I went to stay on a large camp site with others at the school and I actually ended up enjoying this trip which I found to be a great way of learning new things. The trip was to Waymouth and we got to visit many places such as Portsmouth to look at the boats, a local air base, a nature reserve and an egyption museum which I loved. I was always interested in egyption history mainly due to the way they created the most beautiful and powerful cultural artifacts that were very sophisitcated and advanced in a way which I feel puts modern creations to shame. For some strange reason once detached from the comforts of home I tended to wander out with a self confidence I didn't ever expect to have and I enjoyed this lonelyness which I felt so much. The other kids around me all seemed to need each other so much yet I really enjoyed talking and interacting with my inner voice which I would always trust which was a thing that would speak to me giving me a secret self confidence. I have always felt such power radiating from my minds voice with a kind a wisdom that guides me. I remember going along with the kids that would detach from the rules and go out and venture alone away from the camp and teachers. I remember going for walks to the sea alone lacking a fear and feeling more free from the camp that seemed to contain us all. This was my first ever real time away from home and it was exhausting and scary yet a great glimpse into independance.

Back at school in them days I don't feel that I had any identity and was lost and confused. The main reason was that I felt pushed into something beyond my control and there never seemed to be any reason for what I was developing towards. There were no directions really and the word career or job wouldn't make sense. The biggest dillusion for me was beliving that I would be a child forever and accepting a change into a more responsible life did not make any logical sense.

Subjects & Learning

ART

Art was always considered a playful activity which was looked upon as a playful thing to do. I actually could not connect with the activities that would be considered creative such as opening up pots of coloured liquid to using fingers to produce formless images just seemed a waste of energy and thought. All the other activities were even more tedious and boring and I would find myself just making a mess with spending countless hours cutting out shapes of paper and using glue to produce ugly simple things that actually back then put me off the arty farty craft rubbish. I also found that art and crafts were more aimed at the gals. Also the methods of creating were very technical and about precision and I found that again teadious and mundain and almost like using an etch a sketch.

The evil subjects

Well Maths was an especially vile subject mainly due to the fact that maths were not something I could actually physically see and I would have to picture each particular number in my minds eye and morph each calculation through imagination. The first thing I actually did to become better at maths was to look at the number 10 and developed a visual balancing thing so 5/5 4/6 3/7 2/8 1/9 and then I had to visually remember all calculations visually in mind. So in a way I had to visually remember every calculation mentally in my mind and still do to this day. The times table was almost impossible and I just didn't want to memorize every single calculation. As I said earlier in my writings that I enjoyed looking at maths in a visual way so through diagrams and charts etc and this method for me helped me to devise my own mental methods.

English was not as bad as maths but the rules to this form of communication presented me with some major issues and spelling certain words seemed awkward. I hated the english language because it seemed to want to go against logic and I spent years developing my own method for this through spelling things through how they sounded. Now days the sounds of words is used more but back when I was younger it was just the alphabet that we would have to focus on and the telephonics. I would also have to rember the sounds by connecting them to visual objects to S would be snake, A for apple and so on. I guess thats why I am good at creating logo's because I can turn words into pictures really easy and I also use a symbolic communication messaging system.

Science was actually my prefered subject due to involving visual diagrams and practicle involvment. I loved reading books with scientific content and I loved to study how things worked and what made them tick. I learnt and took a great interest in many various scientific subjects from the functions of earth to geology and especially loved looking at pictures of precious jewels. It was the visual eliments of science that caught my eye and I loved looking at the vast amount of exciting forms. I actually consider art to be more a science than just a creative form of expression. I have actually fused together my own scientific technical knowledge and embedded it into creative proccess's. I also like to play Frankenstien with art and believe that it is a way to shape and create completely unique and almost magical things that reach far beyond the boundaries of the physical. Unfortunatley science itself became a boring subject later on due to the fact that all things we learnt were I feel set towards becoming an industrial researcher and I also think that science is a subject that doesn't like thinking out of the box.

I will talk about the other subjects later on in my life as it was only the basics studies at around the age of 10.

Recreation
The indoor geek
The outside world was a stressful place for me mainly due to how exhausting life could be just exploring the outdoors and my skin was always sensitive to the cold. I was what you would call a geek mainly because I was mostly indoors playing on my first ever computer which by todays standards was not at all good. It was an Amstrad 464 see picture below

Like on this picture it had a tape casette player for loading up games that would take agers to play. I used to love playing the old games back then and even used to take apart the keyboard to fix the keys due to excess use plus I even used to type in code which was basic and would take hours to create just a simple picture. I do not know the specs of this computer as I just used to like playing on it rather than going crazy on it. It also cost a lot of money back then so taking it apart would have killed it because computers couldnt really be modified back then.

Roland on the Ropes

This was just one of many games I played on the Amstrad called Roland on the ropes which was very adictive back then and you can still play it on an Amstrad emulator for the pc now. The graphics were just plain awful but in that day these games were very magical. I would rather sit in side though playing on this and other games to keep me entertained.
How I lived
At this stage in my life I was still kind of lost and I was moving in and out of reality on most occasions. I was completely clueless to the functions of society and I just couldn't work out the purpose for living. I tried to find things to stimulate me and this mainly consisted of going out on the street to find people to play with. I would find some kids who would play a game called kirby which meant throwing a ball and try to hit the kirb of a road.
Me aged 11 and onwards
Senior Education
Well the time had come when I was to move up to a new school, a senior school. This whole concept was very scary for me especially because of how the kids in school would always say things will be really much harder and that the subjects were going to be near impossible. I would always fear spelling because I was just no good at it and I never really grasped the way it worked but in time I just got a natural hang of it and learned my own method for grasping it. I was sent to a school called Bramcote park which I did not like at all. There was something sinister about the atmosphere of the place which was an isolated place surrounded by woods and fields. I think my imagination went riot on me and I would imagine that things were lurking in the woods and watching me. It was also the first time I had ever noticed people taking drugs and I was really shocked to see teenagers hiding in doorways holding bags full of glue to there faces. I was socially really behind everyone else and while everyone had a group of friends to chat with I would just wonder about as I always had gotten used to. I was always invisible really and I enjoyed that because it made life all the more mysterious and I felt more protected by any uncomfortable chit chat. Even today I find it hard to relate to groups and even while playing on my xbox on the internet I play as a lone wolf especially in war based team games such as Call of duty games.

Sports at school
This was one thing I enjoyed but I just couldn't for the life of me get to grips with what it was all about. I found that sport really contridicted itself because its based on gameplay yet people would take it to heart and would be very serious about winning and coming first and I knew that to come 3rd or even last was a great achievement for me. So really all my life I had always settled for being the person who could not achieve a thing. I could always achieve something in my mind though and my imagination would allow me to do just about anything I could wish for. From early on swimming was just horrorifying to me because of the echo's and loud noises that would bounce about the swimming pools. The smell of Clorine would make me feel in danger and thoughts of hospitals would come in to mind. Being in water was relaxing for me and I loved the suspension and floating experience that being in water would deliver. I eventually did learn myself how to swim later on from in my senior time and I will delve more into that later on. Changing rooms now they were just plain freaky and even today I prefer to go into cubicles to get changed. I can not see why people find it easy to just stand around naked in front of other people obviously of the same sex but still its not something I do. I heard later on in life that people with aspergers did not like this but when I was at school I would have been called names for going away to change. Pansy or puff would have come from the other kids or even some of the macho PE physical education teachers.

Fights and bullying
I was not at Bramcote park for long because of one of the most bizzare things I had ever known. I would get into fights at times which believe me was something I would prefer to avoid. All I had to do was to say something wrong and a fight could develop and thankfully the fights were never anything serious. I was always getting into trouble with the teachers as well over stupid things and for doing things that I did not seem to realise would get me into trouble. I remember one incident once when I was sitting in the classroom and I told a lad next to me named adrian smedley to look down inbetween my legs where I had done the old stick your finger out of the zip trick and pretend it was so called back then a willy. He must have seen it was my finger but he decided to shout to the teacher that I had just shown in my privates and that was it I was sent to the office and was quizzed about it. I was more embarrised about what the other kids in the class must of thought and I always hated the idea of looking bad in front of the attractive gals whom I would look up to and day dream about. Then one day in the same class a lad told me to put my hand out and he blew all ink on to my hand so I decided that I would tell the teacher. The lad got told off and for some reason all the kids in the class got up and started attacking me in front of the teacher. It was really scary and eventually I got took to a secure part of the school until home time but I had been warned by the older kids that the whole school was going to be waiting to attack me afterwards and I really imagined this. I do not know if it was just people trying to scare me and I can not understand why they would have said such cruel things so I had no choice to believe it. I had to wait in some toilets for a good half an hour until all the noises of the kids had gone and then I left the school and went a long route home where no one would have spotted me. I then got chance to feel safe at home until a new school was found for me.
Football & friends
For some reason and I do not know how but I made a friend named grant who is actually on my facebook list rite now and I have not had time to chat with him yet. I used to go and play on a few of the fields and parks in the areas near to me. My younger brother GAZ always used to know where to hang out and I would usually follow him to the places he would go to. There was a shop down the road and they had a games machine in it where a small group of lads would go and play. They had games such as Double dragon and my fav Splatterhouse a very gory 2d platform game. In them days it was the thing to all go and stand around a games machine as games consoles were not easy to purchase. Please see pictures of the games I used to play

Double Dragon

Splatterhouse

I used to play football on the local field as well and I really enjoyed it. I did not really have to chat much in the game it was all about just looking and passing the ball about. I would play with lads from 10 up to 17 and I would play for hours on end but I would have to take regular breaks and I would have to squat on the floor in order to get my breath back with having had a heart problem as a young kid. I played for many years and I actually got very skillful at it but I always knew I could not make anything of myself in the football game. My brother would play as well and I would often just attack him if he got the ball off me and I would hit him for really silly reasons. I never liked doing that it would just happen and I would get scared of looking stupid because of him being my younger brother. My brother back then was a real little clown as well and he would do all kinds of things to make people laugh which I could not understand. I was always getting jealous of him and the attention he received but in the end I would find more sanctuary in being at home and watching the television.

Now back to my friend Grant who was a really decent goal keeper an essential postion especially as this was the one thing that most people would avoid. He would dive about without any problems and save some amazing power shots. I would just go on the field and take shots at him for hours on end and it was an amazing experience. He was a few years older than me and hence he had interests of a different kind yet I was very open myself to this interest but with more fear than he did. This interest was in the opposite sex and we would often visit the local swimming centre to watch women and we would admire there assets. He was really after as much eye candy as possible and it was fun but I was also very shy of the females. I was not really ready for pulling the gals but I did enjoy this bird spotting hobby. Me and Grant seemed to go our separate ways sadly and one of the last experiences I had of him he was angry with me over some girl. He had become a hunter of girls and I was just not that interested in actually physically connecting with them. I ended up losing a girlfriend to him and it was mainly due to the fact that I could not give the girl what I should have done like most lads. It was all to scary for me yet I did enjoy imagining romantic things and I always loved watching films about love, sex and stuff.
Television and Film

As a kid I would watch the black and white horror films. I was always interested in strange fictional programs and films, they would always make life seem more fascinating. When I became a teenager I went through a phase of staying inside where things seemed more safe. I would always encounter an enemy when out and about especially those who went to the Bramcote Park school. My mum got a channel subscription to a cable network which offered many channels to view. I was wanting to get one of the adult channels and would watch the free 10 mins with excitement and would tape it onto my VCR video tape cassette player. I would also visit the local video store to rent out a good 5 films a week and I found this to stimulate my mind and it would also help me to relax.

Star Trek the next generation

I used to watch the original star trek but it was never enough for me. The films were decent and the characters were a little bit old fashioned for my tastes. While watching sky one I would eventually find star trek the next generation which would be on everyday after school. Star trek would give me a whole new world to explore in fact it gave me hundreds of worlds to explore. The characters were really much deeper and the whole infrastructure of the ship was designed in a way that I would love to exist within. What made star trek so fascinating was the way in which puzzles would always develop within the plot and it was fascinating to see how they would be solved. The stories would always approach really challenging subjects and would center around such things as philosophy, psychology, history, art, physics and other sciences and much more.

Data in Star Trek

Data was the character I was always most like and at the time I was unaware of my connection with him. Since being diagnosed with Aspergers syndrome I would often try to find fictional and real characters in which to compare myself with. I later came across data while watching an episode of star trek and could easily compare myself with him for the following reasons. Firstly he has a problem with understanding the sense of humor of human beings. I have always found that because I have a more literal and serious outlook on life that my wave length falls short of mainstream comedy. Data also must contain a mind consisting of visual data and he dreams very vividly and by that he often would paint. If my memory serves me well I think he started off by copying the works of others, then he was prompted to paint the things he saw from his memory banks and to also had emotions to the work. Thirdly he was always asking for help and guidance from the humans and although he would listen he found it very difficult to understand the reasons and concepts behind human motivation. Data was a very unique character who spoke without much emotion and this would make him a great councilor to those with Aspergers I believe. Data was a super computer with a mind and other chips that would develop with time and I believe that as being a high functioning autistic that I too am developing more as I grow older but unlike Data I prefer to live it alone and I do not want to be considered a neurotypical human. I have my own sense of humor and when I get that laughing tickle I love the feeling.

Senior School


While at senior school I found life to be very strange, firstly I always found myself lost within a system that I found to be very controlling and mysterious. I felt almost as if I had no control or idea of what the point of it was and what on earth its purpose was. I could never really grasp the daily routine and found the whole experience very spiritually demeaning as if as an individual I was nothing more than in some kind of servitude towards others. Being a sensitive person I found the whole experience painfully destructive and isolating ones freedom. 

I really did want to learn though but throughout the whole process I couldn't help but keep getting side tracked by others around me who would often delight in looking for personal conflicts, breaking up with partners, talking about sexual encounters or fictional experience, how powerful a person or gang was and all of that would freak me out. I was surrounded by people without conscience or without a desire to learn and this had a profound impact on me. I used to spend more time trying to deal with all of this bizarre behaviour than to focus and concentrate on study. Even to this day I mourn over human behaviour pity it because so much energy is spent on a general ideal of self and the need to boast ones ego.


George Spencer


This school was a strange place, at first I was placed in the lower school for the first few years. It was situated on some fields over a bridge. It had a huge area of tennis courts which was the main area for those who choose to play football. Then there was the school area in which I would roam not ever really knowing where to go or to which group I belonged. I didn't belong looking back at it all now and I would have to wonder and dream and occasionally find the odd person who I could relate to slightly. Mostly I would find fools who would try to prove something through fiction or try and talk about sex with words such as premature ejaculation and try and teach this in a fashion that they were the guru's of sexuality and had endured many encounters. The idea of sexual encounter at that stage of my life was terrifying yet did cause me to imagine what it would be like to connect with a female physically. I would often gaze at the females with a desire and urge to be told that I looked nice or a kiss would have blown my mind but my imagination would serve me that. There were loads of gorgeous gals and especially in the summer months I would delight in smelling them as the wind would blow sweet essences towards me or to look at how there hair would flick and levitate through the warm air. There white shirts containing small developing breasts which would only enchant me more but not in a perverted way. 

I later went on to the upper school a 3 story building surrounded by lots of smaller buildings and rooms. It would take me weeks to fully visualize and familiarize myself within this maze. It had lots of small weird areas such as a indoor basket ball area, a small outdoor tennis court that had no reason to be which felt like a prison, and lots of other strange places. The sports areas always used to give off smells of cheesy sweat that revolted me and the changing rooms always looking back made me feel humiliated almost as if I was getting ready to go to a nazi gas chamber. Sport what was the point in it I would feel and why do I have to feel so cold for reasons to run about proving nothing to me. I did often try really hard though to perform for those around me but would always end up in some humiliating situation and the others would delight in seeing me fail because of my serious efforts in pursuit of the gratification of a reward in something I couldn't ever really understand or grasp. 


I would often find myself though in some kinds of conflict with others ranging from the odd spontaneous fights because I had done something to upset someone or who knows, I was never really prepared for a physical fight as such an act felt futile to me yet within a few mins it all happened. Time seemed to change and I would become a crazed animal not really knowing what to do but to only escape the clutches of another as if I was slowly sinking into deep water. Because of my heart problems I would run out of breath quick so I had to use speed and this frantic mad rage to overcome this strange event. 

Other smells would also freak me out, I had this awful fear of the technology area due to the smells of wood or oils. Technology teachers themselves were usually men of habit and the real dinosaurs of people. Socks and sandles they would wear and perade around with blue overalls on that were their uniforms of power. Back in those days these types of teachers would often explode in a very uneasy fashion as they were the ones who could still use physical punishment and I did on a few occasions either witness this or would hear them screaming at those who would dare to attempt to oppose them. 

Art rooms were also not a place I would like to venture even though art was something I really enjoyed. The awful obnoxious smells of powder paint would really overwhelm me or the smells of the clay also would fill me with some kind of dread. A cold smell which made me feel lost amongst it feeling surrounded by muck. I never really liked clay as it just would feel wrong to touch and would change in density and texture constantly. The art teachers were the wizards or warlocks and would often look purposely eccentric to only freak us out. I know they were unaware of this but there choice of clothing was awful like they were either environmentalists who had explored more drugs than most wearing unusual clothes often waistcoats and dungarees. The women tended to be more harsh and controlling yet unable to delve deeper into the more creative elements of art would much more prefer the crafts and would choose collage or printing. The different types of people were so easy to see and patterns of peoples would always emerge so stereotypical to the point of being able to see straight through them. 


I didn't realize at this time that artist was who I was mainly due to never really seeing art as having any kind of purpose but to be some fun time. I would doodle all the time in class and my ideas of art seemed so different from the educational views of it. All assignments made absolutely no sense to me because my desires to create were not through any form of command but through a more inner desire to churn out a vast array of visually interesting forms and pictures. The instructions from teachers would only destroy my own needs and my imagination would visualize massive projects that seemed to be to much for others to put into practice or believe in. I was held back really I feel at that stage because I needed not to learn how to draw, paint etc. I was happy to day dream back then and the pictures I painted in my head would be far much easier than to do on paper for anyone to see, for me art was a private affair.  Although art was a fun subject I didn't care for it I just wanted to feel good about myself and never did. 

I was always very clean at school and took much pride in my appearance to an almost obsessional level. I would look at myself all the time when I got home and like myself so much. I would try and talk to the mirror and act out different characters from films so that when I got to school the next day I would feel some form of confidence but things would usually destroy that delusion that I had developed the previous night. This fantasy of development would soon be destroyed through the reality of not fitting in but it never stopped me from trying. I would watch films in order to better understand how people co-existed but I feel this may have made things worse. I would often over hear gals talking about what films stars they liked and I would try and explore that as to portray that hoping that would allow them to see me in the same light. I would also try and act cool but I was always invisible a person without the words to charm a teenage girl and yeah even writing this now makes me feel sad but hey its my pains that make me who I am I guess.

The computer room was located in the library which I liked, I loved the smell of that area it seemed clean and I always loved the smell of a good book. I was introduced to computers by a Teacher Miz Smith how ever you spell it, I remember her saying she was some king of humanist and believed that her faith was in people I get the feeling she was basically saying that she was an atheist. I feel that Because of my ways of getting into trouble for stupid reasons she once asked me about my faith and what happens after we die which at the time was a combination of Buddhism and Christianity nothing more than that really. Anyway I loved using the computers to type as opposed to writing with the spelling correction tools which really helped me out and still do. 

Bad Behaviour

I would often get into trouble at school for doing silly things. On one occasion I decided and felt compelled to stand at the top of stairs and spit down waiting for it to land on someone's head I feel I would have witnessed this for it to have even entered my head. It felt strange to be doing it and I felt like it was an act in which I would fit in with the other lads but I got caught once and was asked to go and attend the office a place I was used to. My legs would feel like jelly on the way and butterfly's would tingle in my stomach. I would be made to stand for a while waiting for my judgement and wondering what was going to happen next. Well I think on this occasion I was made to stand in the office while two teachers, Miz Smith and Mr Rowinsky how ever it was spelt just sat before me staring at me for a good 10 mins. I started to rock and rotate and yeah felt all nauseated and peculiar as if my life was about to end. I had no idea what they were doing and this as haunted me ever since. I think they couldn't way me up and had given up on trying to solve me or find solutions to my behaviour. Teachers would often say that I was from outer space n stuff and I had grown used to thinking that it was there way of making it seem fun and I just used to think in side that they were ignorant or simple. 


In the maths block I would often frequent the toilets to keep myself looking decent in hopes of attracting some teenage beauty but I made a fatal mistake. There were some staff toilets that no one would go near and I was upset to find a lack of a mirror in the men's toilets. So I would just lol walk into the women's one which had a decent enough mirror so that I could feel comfortable about myself throughout the day. I always wanted my hair to look it best and I would always get a confidence boast after looking at myself of which I liked very much. A teacher walked in and caught me and her reaction was very unusual at the time but I was puzzled. The female teacher I feel thought that I had wanted to look or something as in some kind of peeping tom and this later ended up in the assembly hall in which they made a big song and dance about. I just wish they had bothered to ask about my motives but I guess asperger's wasn't something known about at the time and I think they just considered me to be some weird freaky pest.


Girlfriends, Sexuality etc

Towards the end of school I would encounter a few female admires or girlfriends. The first being Heather whom I met through wondering around the streets with a friend called Christopher. I was a bit of a book worm and the only place I felt comfortable was the Stapleford Library. We would often sit on the streets looking at teenage girls, women and dreaming of how great it would be to kiss them. Christopher had bigger plans than myself and would often watch video's of topless women which while very visually exciting to see seemed to only degrade women I felt and seeing dozens upon dozens of fake or untanned breasts to be a circus act and very much a freakish thing to see. Anyway more of that later. I can't remember how I met Heather but I did and it was really strange I think it was in some pub down the road from where she lived a kind of night club thing with a pool table which was located inside. I remember things kind of just happening and I was watching her bottom through her tight jeans I couldn't help myself. She then went on to kissing me which I had grown used to and actually enjoyed the smells and tastes and sensations of touching another's soft lips. She had other plans and she would explore my body and touch my penis and play with it which would make me feel all warm and tingle with a new emotional excitement. We would later go on to explore basic sexual pleasures while in her bedroom or others places. Once we were all inside some caravan and I enjoyed the idea of swapping partners and the feelings of jealousy would excite me and the humiliation was something painful yet also enjoyable at the same time. How ever after about 2 months I had started to take things for granted and it all felt to familiar. She wrote me a note one day telling me that she no longer wanted to see me and that I was no longer her boyfriend. I didn't know how to deal the shock of such rejection although I had been rejecting her so much now I feel when I look back. She got straight into a relationship with an acquaintance of mine some lad known as Scott and I remember going around to visit her impulsively due to not being able to deal with the situation and feeling like I could make her feel for me again. It had felt like she had died all of a sudden and I felt such despair. My memories of Heather were nice ones though, she had lovely big eyes, I remember her putting on various perfumes and listening to music in the mornings, she loved listening to mic hucknall lol which I started to really hate and  Michael Jacksons Dangerous album so thank god rave music came along with it did. 

I then strangely started dating a Tina who was also lovely but that didn't last long at all sadly. I was a bit overwhelmed with the girlfriend thing and finding myself encountering a new person I just didn't know how to deal with it so fast. Tina used to smoke and that was a strange especially being able to taste it. The kissing was soft but felt different in style but was nice and Tina had a lovely slender figure in fact she was quite skinny which was a bit of a turn on. I got Close to Tina in a friends bedroom while he was still in it which I found unusual and exciting. I'm angry at myself for never exploring sex with her further but she somehow demanded too much affection from me and I was unable to deal with it. We went out to some disco one night and she said I was distant but I couldn't help it I think it was a way for her to find another person anyway and I just let her slip out of my hands really.

Senior School and afterwards


Well I'd given up on education really and the exams because so much emphasis had been put on them that with all the pressure I decided to just do what I could, sit at the tables and let intuition do the work. Lets say I was asked what's the name of the chemical found in cells in a science exam luckily I could remember such information mainly due to being able to remember things from diagrams much easier and with multiple choice I had to try and go think through my mind what I'd done in an experiment which wasn't really easy. Anyway I just sat down and thought if I don't know the answer ill just tick and see if I score it lucky. I walked out of school with about 7 GCSE's nothing special and most of the results were below average mainly D's and E's with a G in Maths and at the other end of the scale a C in art and I didn't even try really. The school asked me just before the exams what I would like to do after school and I thought photography would be something I could explore further. They suggested a few places to study photography and even pointed out that a college not far away had photography as a part of its course. That turned out to be the teachers way of putting me into something that extended from there own school so I feel I was signposted to a place that they wanted all pupils to go to. I really liked the idea of learning more and getting even more qualifications with the awful under average GCSE results.


I ended up at the lakeview centre to be continued